Monday, January 16, 2012

My thoughts are stars I can't fathom into constellations

At this point in the night, I've written and erased a couple hundred words for this post. The stuff I've been trying to say has ranged from raving about Noah And The Whale, expressing some very blunt thoughts on the event I mention but never name or explain, sharing more Shaytards videos, going on and on about my best friend from back home, explaining the differences between my nighttime activities this semester and last, and even going through why I care so much about my friends on their missions.

As I started writing about each of these things, nothing felt quite right. While it was enjoyable to write about each of those things, none of them are what I really want to talk about or express. I'm not certain if that's because some of it seems too personal or revealing or because writing on this blog is a sorry excuse for not talking about some of it with real people.

I think what I really want to talk about is loneliness. I haven't wanted to admit it lately because of how much I've been focusing on choosing happiness and making the best of everything that has happened in the last few years and everything that is currently happening. It seems ridiculous to admit because I truly do have wonderful friends at school, especially since Becca is finally back from her internship at Disney World. It's an incredible blessing to have her living right next door.

This is not to say that I feel alone. I just feel . . . lonely. I think there's a difference. At least, I feel a difference between the two, one that is not easily explained, if at all. I just read this book called The Fault In Our Stars by John Green. A character in this story accurately portrays, in a manner much more poetic than I ever could, the inability to explain his thoughts. "My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations," he says.

Despite this feeling that I am quite sure is loneliness, I still am happy. It's a strange combination. I am also quite sure that this loneliness I feel was brought on by my own actions, at least partly. I have a plethora of thoughts I would like to share with some friends but I do not care to do so, and so in some ways I'm distancing myself from them, which sounds stupid because my friends are lovely people. The one friend I would like to share my thoughts with isn't currently able to communicate with me in any form except the US Postal Service. The other reason behind the loneliness is due to the fact that I think I somewhat lost a friend with whom I once shared some of these thoughts. It feels very similar to when Matthew finally left for his two years. It's saddening to say that I am familiar with this type of loneliness. But that's just how my life has been.

Reading back what I've written thus far on this subject, it comes across as pretty depressing. That was not my intention because I honestly don't feel depressed, or even sad. At all. I'm just lonely. And I should probably stop saying that, lest this post get really blue.

Last YouTube video I watched: One Take Song

1 comment:

Becca said...

oh anna wendt. i totally get this.

its a blessing to have you next door too! <3