Pretzels and cream soda

Yes, I realize I already blogged today but I just experienced something crazy.

I remembered that in the refrigerator remained a single bottle of Sprecher Cream Soda. Usually smells bring people back to a certain time, a certain place. Tonight it was the taste of that cream soda. It tastes like home. The moment I took a sip out of that dark amber bottle, I tasted home. It sounds so weird to say but it's the only way to explain it. (The pretzels I'm eating are only there to be a salty foil to the sweetness of the soda.)

The way we as people relate tastes and smells and how things feel, as in physically feel to the touch, to other places and things . . . It's pretty phenomenal. As I drank this gorgeous amber beverage I couldn't help but marvel at how incredible it is that our minds make such connections day after day and that often we don't even realize it. Human consciousness is remarkable.

Don't jump to any conclusions: basically the last thing I am right now is homesick. Being back in Utah is fantastic and it will only continue to get better, or so I hope/plan. Life may not be perfect but it is better than okay.

As I typed the word "soda" a bunch of different times in this post I remembered a quick conversation Jordan and I had at Ikea last week. I can't quite remember why I said the word "soda" at all but Jordan was very quick to point out how Midwestern/Canadian I sounded what with the whole "really long vowel thing" I often have going on when I speak. If I ever lose that quirk to my speech, I'll be a very unhappy camper.

So I've mentioned The Fault In Our Stars a bunch of times over the past two days and here I go again: Kate is reading it currently! She's two chapters in and liking it very much. She said it pulled her in right away which is always a good thing. It's very different from An Abundance of Katherines, which is the only other John Green book she's read, but that's okay. Katherines is totally a funny and witty and much less serious than TFiOS. Hopefully Kate likes it all the way through! (I think the last time I talked about Katherines was this post . . . Oh boy.)

Last YouTube video I watched: Greg Holden - Home (Live) (Most of you will hear this song and think of that Phillip Phillips guy from American Idol, or I guess of the US women's gymnastics team. And yeah, he sings this song. But Greg is the guy who wrote it! How crazy awesome is that?! I also happen to love Greg's version a million times more. Maybe I'm biased but that's how it goes when one of the guys is a YouTube love and the other guy won American Idol.)

This is me

Since I got my orange laptop cover at Christmas, it's been my goal to make it look as me as possible. Thus far I seem to be succeeding.

As if a ridiculously orange cover wasn't me enough . . . It's a somewhat eclectic mix, one that I love quite a bit. Whenever I get new stickers, as I did yesterday, I get more excited than I probably should. Yesterday's additions include Rodeo Arcade & Maker.

By far the all-time favorite sticker though is my media pass from the Real Salt Lake home opener earlier this year. One other person on campus has one of those; her name is Taylor and we're journalism BFFs so we covered the game together. The day we went to that game was the day I finally knew without a shadow of a doubt that I wanted to write sports.

Every sticker on here means something to me and represents a little of who I am. Well, except for the random green one. I don't know where I found it even but I thought it looked cool. It's by no means a comprehensive representation of who I am but I like to think people can look at it and learn at least a little bit about my personality. Hopefully they wouldn't think that's all I am, though. When people fail to imagine each other complexly we get into all kinds of trouble.

As I mentioned yesterday I did indeed spend my evening reading The Fault In Our Stars. I read it all. Cover to cover. It was wonderful. I forgot how intense and thought-provoking it was. Though I knew exactly what was going to happen, some of it felt as raw and intriguing as the first time I read it back in January. My favorite part of reading again was probably annotating. I have this weird aversion to writing in books so I use Post-It notes instead. It was probably more brilliant this time around than it was before.

It probably makes things a little inconvenient for others if they borrow my books but such is life.

Last YouTube video I watched: On Leaving [I strongly encourage you watch this video. It's especially worth your time]

Meh

Today was not wonderful, nor was it terrible. It kind of just was, if that makes sense.

This morning I had orientation for my new job. It's going to be an interesting and busy semester, that's for sure, but I'm excited nonetheless.

The most exciting part of the day, by far, was checking the mail. I got two packages. One was from Amazon, a book for a class. The other was my ShayCarl Volcom tee. I found a way to get it 50% off so I really could not resist. They also stuffed two stickers in the envelope so now my laptop case has some new decoration; I couldn't be more pleased.

Well, I'm going to read The Fault In Our Stars now. I need some John Green in my life today, I can just tell it's one of those days. I'm feeling weird about life and decisions today, so I figure reading will help me put things in a different perspective and give me a way to think about what's been going on.

Last YouTube video I watched: Song For The Painfully Indie

Edit: I've decided for the rest of the afternoon I'm ditching my phone. So if you're in dire need of conversing w/ me, the best way to do so would probably be e-mail.

The Fault In Our Stars

I have much to say about this book but dare not spoil it for anyone. I figured now was as good a time as any to write a sort of review. Had I done this right after reading the book, I doubt it would have made much sense. I don't guarantee it making sense now either but I will be much more articulate than I could have been that night.

To start off, this book will probably make you feel all the feelings. In a very broad sense, it's a book about a girl who has cancer. Beyond that, it's a book about time, happiness, relationships, and leaving a mark on this world. John Green does an incredible job of making you want to laugh instead of cry, though. I will admit, I did cry while reading this book. I cried a lot. More than I have probably cried in the past two years. (If you don't already know it, that is a huge deal for me.)

I have a fascination with time, happiness, and relationships so this book was right up my alley. I think constantly about how time moves and how some events or periods in your life feel significantly long ago though they are not. Or about how the time you spend with someone feels incredibly significant though it was not that really that long at all. The idea of infinity and forever, which I'm pretty sure are different, are another big part of this book. I mean, this girl, Hazel, has cancer. She's terminally ill, so obviously time is a big deal. And the way John references time throughout the book is just quite phenomenal.

And then comes the happiness. If you read my blog enough you'll notice my use of the phrase "happiness is a choice." I wouldn't say that totally comes into play in this book but there is a boy in this book, Augustus, who says, "I decided a while ago not to deny myself the simpler pleasures of existence" and also says, "I’m not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things." And one more thing Augustus says, "You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you." Choices, people. They're a big deal. You can choose to be happy. I do it all the time.

That last quote from Augustus, the one about not being able to choose if you get hurt but getting to choose who hurts you, that brings me into a bit about relationships. I really like knowing why two people like each other and what makes up their relationship and if they break up why they broke up. This can be troublesome for me personally because I can't exactly go around asking boys I have previously dated all the specific reasons for why we broke up. And since we broke up, I can't ask them about why they thought we were together and what made up the best parts of our relationship. The idea of being able to choose who hurts me . . . That puts things into perspective. It doesn't necessarily matter why we dated or why we broke up. You just have to know that it was worth it. You cannot avoid being hurt, whether in relationships or in anything else in life, but you can choose who or what does the hurting.  (I just have to say that I am completely okay being hurt by the people who hurt me.) ((Also, I'm referring to boys in the plural here only because it's easier to do than singling anyone out. I really haven't been hurt that many times.))

So I realize this is less of a review and more a bunch of my thoughts relating to themes of the book. I don't think I know how to review a book, not really. I think my hope is that someone will come upon this and relate to the themes I explained and pick up the book and actually read it.

I also want to make the point that though John Green is a young adult author and that the main characters in this book are teenagers, it isn't just a young adult book. It's not simple and cannot be read without thought. Well, it could be, but any book could be. Trust me, there's a lot more to young adult books than you might ever expect. And anyway, teenagers/young adults are smart people. (At almost 21, I still consider myself a young adult. I'm certainly not a real adult.) There is no reason The Fault In Our Stars cannot be read as critically as any book for those so-called "adults."

I could go on and on about John and his novels but I'll spare you. Come talk to me if you really want to hear about it all.

And if you're looking for some good music to listen to while reading it, or any other book for that matter, I recommend The Head And The Heart's self-titled album "The Head And The Heart." It's the only thing I listened to while reading. And while writing this post I listened to all Noah And The Whale.

Last YouTube video I watched: Stop Motion Markers

P.S. My 21st birthday is in 8 days. When did that happen? Crazy stuff.

My thoughts are stars I can't fathom into constellations

At this point in the night, I've written and erased a couple hundred words for this post. The stuff I've been trying to say has ranged from raving about Noah And The Whale, expressing some very blunt thoughts on the event I mention but never name or explain, sharing more Shaytards videos, going on and on about my best friend from back home, explaining the differences between my nighttime activities this semester and last, and even going through why I care so much about my friends on their missions.

As I started writing about each of these things, nothing felt quite right. While it was enjoyable to write about each of those things, none of them are what I really want to talk about or express. I'm not certain if that's because some of it seems too personal or revealing or because writing on this blog is a sorry excuse for not talking about some of it with real people.

I think what I really want to talk about is loneliness. I haven't wanted to admit it lately because of how much I've been focusing on choosing happiness and making the best of everything that has happened in the last few years and everything that is currently happening. It seems ridiculous to admit because I truly do have wonderful friends at school, especially since Becca is finally back from her internship at Disney World. It's an incredible blessing to have her living right next door.

This is not to say that I feel alone. I just feel . . . lonely. I think there's a difference. At least, I feel a difference between the two, one that is not easily explained, if at all. I just read this book called The Fault In Our Stars by John Green. A character in this story accurately portrays, in a manner much more poetic than I ever could, the inability to explain his thoughts. "My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations," he says.

Despite this feeling that I am quite sure is loneliness, I still am happy. It's a strange combination. I am also quite sure that this loneliness I feel was brought on by my own actions, at least partly. I have a plethora of thoughts I would like to share with some friends but I do not care to do so, and so in some ways I'm distancing myself from them, which sounds stupid because my friends are lovely people. The one friend I would like to share my thoughts with isn't currently able to communicate with me in any form except the US Postal Service. The other reason behind the loneliness is due to the fact that I think I somewhat lost a friend with whom I once shared some of these thoughts. It feels very similar to when Matthew finally left for his two years. It's saddening to say that I am familiar with this type of loneliness. But that's just how my life has been.

Reading back what I've written thus far on this subject, it comes across as pretty depressing. That was not my intention because I honestly don't feel depressed, or even sad. At all. I'm just lonely. And I should probably stop saying that, lest this post get really blue.

Last YouTube video I watched: One Take Song