The 10 unfinished blog posts of 2013

Yes, I have 10 drafts sitting here in the abyss of my blogger account. That's what I have to show for blogging in 2013. The number of unpublished posts says more about me than the number I actually posted, I think.

Some posts got lost in the fray of coming up with new things to write about. And at this point they're just not important anymore.

Some posts aren't time sensitive, meaning they'll be published some day in the hopefully not too distant future.

Some posts were too time sensitive. I didn't finish them within a week of the event happening so they probably won't see the light of day. At this point I don't remember enough details to really do the events justice; I mean, I remember how I felt on those days but it's hard to put those feelings into words. Those things are best left as memories for me alone.

Some posts just became too hard to finish. Even looking back at one now, far-removed from the day I started writing it and the circumstances that provoked it, I wouldn't be able to finish it. And not for lack of words to say what I want to say; I still have those words.

In a sense, I'm glad a number of blog posts were never posted and that I blogged very little about life in the ending months of 2013. It means I was busy living life and not just recording it for people to read online. While I do believe that if life is worth living, it's also worth recording, there are also some moments that just need to be experienced. (Don't worry, the big events were still written down in my personal Moleskine journal)

On New Year's Eve, Stacy, Becca and I went to the beach, sat in the sand, wrote down things we wanted to let go of from 2013 and then burned those pieces of paper. My first two things burned I kept secret; they each burned something secret as well. All the rest we shared with each other out loud. Once it passed midnight, we then burned our hopes/dreams for the new year. They shared all of theirs and all four of mine were shared, and yes, there were only four.

But here's the thing: I won't be sharing any of those four things with anyone again. Those two pieces of paper I burned for myself alone and the four pieces of paper I shared and burned and the words on all of them are for the three of us alone in those minutes after the clock struck midnight. So yes, I'm sharing that overall experience here in this post but the actual experience of burning those hard times and those dreams isn't something to be recorded.

So here's to 2014, a year in which I hope to balance the living and the recording. And maybe I'll have even more unfinished blog posts to look back on.

In which my day starts (and ends) happy

I totally forgot to blog on Wednesday and it was only the third day of April! I'm still putting up the post from the 3rd, even though it is the 4th, because I can't just gloss over such a nice day.

I woke up feeling pretty, well, sad and did a great job moping on the way to work at 9. It was a beautiful morning, absolutely perfect really. It was hard to enjoy because all I could think about was how I wouldn't see my Lorraine for 18 months.

As I moped my way to the library, I ran into Peter, almost quite literally as he came up beside me and slightly shoved me. I'm not sure if my moping was just that obvious or if Peter just knows me that well but whatever the case he knew something was up. So I moped to him a little bit about being sad and he gave me some cheesy lines about smiling and being happy and hugged me a couple times before sending me on my way.

It was a small thing for him to stop me and really ask how I was doing. It made my day infinitely better. The rest of the day was spent in class or working on projects. Most days I have very little down time between classes and Wednesdays are no different. I got home from my Utah history class just after 6:30, made some dinner and then hunkered down in my room to get all my homework done. Thursdays are by far my busiest day and there much to get done.

But, of course, the Internet wasn't working! I needed it to finish an InDesign project so I went to the Lava Lounge for a couple hours to finish all my work. I left around 10:15 but I wasn't quite ready to go home yet because I knew I would just mope more if I went to my apartment. Instead I called Peter and spent time with him and his lovely roommates.

As we are prone to doing, Peter and I ended up talking for a long while and stayed up far too late. Kirk and Kyle were a party to this talking/not sleeping as well but they went to bed well before Peter and I. The four of us talked about dreams, their anatomy class, organ donation, medical school, happiness and our weekend plans. I even convinced Kyle to come with me to my friend Chelsea's senior piano recital on Friday night. Ever since freshman year I've been telling Chelsea I would bring a date to her senior recital and I'm actually going to follow through on it. It doesn't really count as a date since it's with Kyle and Peter and I had to do use some persuasion tactics to get him to agree but she'll think it's hilarious no matter what. And as much as I love talking with Kirk and Kyle, talking with Peter alone was even better.

It ended up being a really relaxing night, which is not something I expected. Spending a weeknight with some of my dearest friends was something I needed though I didn't quite realize it at the time. I slept great that night and even though I woke up pretty tired, it was worth it. There are some days when staying up late and talking with friends is worth the hassle the next morning.

Birthday cookies!

I know what you're thinking, "Anna, your birthday was more than a month ago!" Yes, it was. But today I got in the mail a package from my friend Megan. It was a huge tupperware container of cookies. It looked something like this when I opened it.

I ate two of them right after I opened it while I was working on a history essay. I went from a page and a half to three and a half pages, so I'm pretty sure those cookies are magic at making me work. Because I have so many cookies, my Utah friends who read this blog are welcome to eat some with me.

Now is probably a good time to talk about Megan a little bit. I've known her since I was in the 1st grade. We've been basically inseparable since, honestly. Even now that we're at college in different states, we probably talk on Facebook chat or Skype at least three or four times a week. And sometimes it's seven times a week . . . We just really like each other. Here's a couple pictures of us throughout the years, though mostly from high school adventures.

October 2008 - senior homecoming

December 2008-January 2010 - London trip

May 2009 - senior prom

 May 2010 - Visiting Megan in Madison & seeing
each other for the first time since August 2009

May 2011 - Evening hike down to Lake Michigan

July 2011 - Lake Michigan after a Brewers game 

July 2011 - Deathly Hallows Part II midnight showing

 That's kind of a lot of pictures but that's okay, because Megan is awesome.

Other than cookies, I'm just trying to get all my stuff together for end of the semester projects and starting to study for exams . . . Oh joy. The end of the semester really should be great, though. And as for my four-fold mission in life, things are going swimmingly. I really am having an awesome time of it. Hopefully I can keep it all up through exam time.

Last YouTube video I watched: Heredity: CrashCourse Biology

Birthdays (and other things)

Yesterday was the birthday of one of my best friends. He turned 21. He's also halfway across the world in the United Kingdom, so that's neat. He's been there for over a year and a half now.

I wrote the above paragraph earlier today. I can't remember why exactly I felt the need to tell the world, the tiny, tiny world of my blog, that one of my boys had his birthday. It felt important at the time . . .

Nothing of great importance has occurred lately, though. Today it was 65 F so that was fantastic. Because of that I've worn shorts the past few days, which is also fantastic. Series 6 of Doctor Who is now on Netflix which has given me something lovely to watch that I haven't seen in a while. Becca and I also got Panda Express for dinner tonight; I even have some left over for my breakfast. Over this last weekend I got some quality hugs as well. Some of my friends give dang good hugs. It's been a while since I had a truly satisfactory hug and I only realized that when my friend Phil hugged me, like, at least three times over the past two days. (You know a hug is good when you immediately think, "More hug, please" when you stop hugging.)

So while things of "importance" haven't happened, some pretty nice things have, I suppose. I've needed these little reminders of good life. Another thing that helped was talking to my journalism friend Taylor. She's a year younger than me but we've gotten into the program at the same time. Today we talked about the whole "sophomore slump" thing. She's kind of in it now and I was kind of in it last year. Expressing how far I've come and all the changes I've experienced in the last year or so was much needed. I've come a long way. Junior year has been quite lovely and I don't think I would change a single thing about it.

I realize I can tie in the whole "best friend birthday" thing. He's one of the reasons last year was bearable and this year is going to be even more fantastic. His letters kept me going through tough stuff. I've learned things about him and he's learned things about me through our letters that we probably never would have known otherwise. Letters are nice that way. (When's the last time you received a handwritten note? Or better yet, when's the last time you wrote one?)

In other big news, today is ShayCarl's birthday! If you don't know who he is, make sure to check out the Shaytards right quick. He's the guy who made it possible for me to write the post on happiness being a choice.

To leave you with some ShayCarl wisdom now: The secrets to life are hidden behind the word cliche.

Last YouTube video I watched: Hank is an Adorable, Drunk Princess

Nothing to call my own

I just got back from playing tennis. It was fun, but I was having an off day. As much as I wanted to play, and I really did a lot, I didn't ever feel quite there.

All I managed to do well was think. I spent the morning thinking about how I'm not actually good at any single sport. I love sports, both watching and playing them. But I am legitimately not good at any of them. The only reason I keep playing is because it's fun and I like to, which should be enough and almost always is. I've always known this about myself, that I don't have a sport to call my own, but for some reason today it really didn't sit right with me. I think a lot of people are under the impression that because I love sports so much I must be, like, really good at them. Or at least really good at one of them. This is not the case.

You know how everyone has at least one thing they're just really good at? Yeah, I literally do not have one of those things. I'm not even kidding. I just do a lot of stuff in a generally good way, above mediocrity and possibly above average, but I have no one talent. Today I wanted my one thing to be tennis.

I've lived the last four or five years of my life with the secret mantra of "Fake it till you make it." It took all I had today not to curse up a storm. But instead I pretended it was all fun and good and that I was frustrated only because I wasn't playing well. And it's not like you can stop in the middle of a game and say, "Hey friend, I'm just not feeling it today. How about we talk instead?" That's not how these things work.

The worst part about all of this is that I should be enjoying the long weekend. I should be enjoying the fact that I had a great birthday, one so relaxing. Just yesterday I wrote how I was more relaxed than I had been in months. Not even a day later, I'm completely frustrated. Of all the feelings to feel, why did it have to be sadness? 

“Sad is not something I like to be. I’d choose angry or bored or lonely or sick or stabbed-repeatedly-in-the-kneecap-with-toothpicks over Sad. Being sad makes me feel… pathetic? Or needy? Or like I’m a burden to the people I spend enough time around for them to be obligated to care? I know it’s irrational to feel guilty for talking about my human emotions in the place where I… write about my human emotions, but there it is. I’m sad and I regret being sad and whdoihadnfjenbfjwe whatever.” -Hayley G. Hoover

I'm going to get something to eat and listen to The Head And The Heart and hope I somehow find the way to choose happiness today. Because whatever I'm feeling right now? It sucks.

Last YouTube video I watched: Thoughts from Place: Los Angeles after the Earthquake

The Fault In Our Stars

I have much to say about this book but dare not spoil it for anyone. I figured now was as good a time as any to write a sort of review. Had I done this right after reading the book, I doubt it would have made much sense. I don't guarantee it making sense now either but I will be much more articulate than I could have been that night.

To start off, this book will probably make you feel all the feelings. In a very broad sense, it's a book about a girl who has cancer. Beyond that, it's a book about time, happiness, relationships, and leaving a mark on this world. John Green does an incredible job of making you want to laugh instead of cry, though. I will admit, I did cry while reading this book. I cried a lot. More than I have probably cried in the past two years. (If you don't already know it, that is a huge deal for me.)

I have a fascination with time, happiness, and relationships so this book was right up my alley. I think constantly about how time moves and how some events or periods in your life feel significantly long ago though they are not. Or about how the time you spend with someone feels incredibly significant though it was not that really that long at all. The idea of infinity and forever, which I'm pretty sure are different, are another big part of this book. I mean, this girl, Hazel, has cancer. She's terminally ill, so obviously time is a big deal. And the way John references time throughout the book is just quite phenomenal.

And then comes the happiness. If you read my blog enough you'll notice my use of the phrase "happiness is a choice." I wouldn't say that totally comes into play in this book but there is a boy in this book, Augustus, who says, "I decided a while ago not to deny myself the simpler pleasures of existence" and also says, "I’m not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things." And one more thing Augustus says, "You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you." Choices, people. They're a big deal. You can choose to be happy. I do it all the time.

That last quote from Augustus, the one about not being able to choose if you get hurt but getting to choose who hurts you, that brings me into a bit about relationships. I really like knowing why two people like each other and what makes up their relationship and if they break up why they broke up. This can be troublesome for me personally because I can't exactly go around asking boys I have previously dated all the specific reasons for why we broke up. And since we broke up, I can't ask them about why they thought we were together and what made up the best parts of our relationship. The idea of being able to choose who hurts me . . . That puts things into perspective. It doesn't necessarily matter why we dated or why we broke up. You just have to know that it was worth it. You cannot avoid being hurt, whether in relationships or in anything else in life, but you can choose who or what does the hurting.  (I just have to say that I am completely okay being hurt by the people who hurt me.) ((Also, I'm referring to boys in the plural here only because it's easier to do than singling anyone out. I really haven't been hurt that many times.))

So I realize this is less of a review and more a bunch of my thoughts relating to themes of the book. I don't think I know how to review a book, not really. I think my hope is that someone will come upon this and relate to the themes I explained and pick up the book and actually read it.

I also want to make the point that though John Green is a young adult author and that the main characters in this book are teenagers, it isn't just a young adult book. It's not simple and cannot be read without thought. Well, it could be, but any book could be. Trust me, there's a lot more to young adult books than you might ever expect. And anyway, teenagers/young adults are smart people. (At almost 21, I still consider myself a young adult. I'm certainly not a real adult.) There is no reason The Fault In Our Stars cannot be read as critically as any book for those so-called "adults."

I could go on and on about John and his novels but I'll spare you. Come talk to me if you really want to hear about it all.

And if you're looking for some good music to listen to while reading it, or any other book for that matter, I recommend The Head And The Heart's self-titled album "The Head And The Heart." It's the only thing I listened to while reading. And while writing this post I listened to all Noah And The Whale.

Last YouTube video I watched: Stop Motion Markers

P.S. My 21st birthday is in 8 days. When did that happen? Crazy stuff.

Winter Days

As the days get colder and the sun sets earlier, I get even more excited for winter to truly begin. This past Saturday night/Sunday morning it snowed. As I walked back with a friend to my apartment, I was genuinely so happy to be walking in the snow. It makes everything so calm, so quiet, much simpler. Walking out into a brisk night does something to a person. I love that.

People dislike how it gets darker a lot earlier in winter. Around 4 o'clock the sun can be going down. That can be tough if you're still on campus and you have to walk home in the dark and the cold. But if it's the evening and snow has started to fall, if only just a little, and I'm at home just relaxing . . . That's the start to a great night. Three things go really well with nights like those: a fleece blanket, a cup of Ovaltine, and watching The Office. You know, the simple things in life. I even feel safe saying a night like that would probably be somewhat of a perfect date. (I'm fairly certain I've even used that as an answer to the question "What would be a really fun date for you?" A ridiculous answer? Possibly. But it's strangely true.) A fleece blanket, Ovaltine, and The Office aren't quite the same in the middle of summer.

There's some really good songs that go along with winter, too. I'm not talking Christmas songs either. I'm talking Ingrid Michaelson and Sara Bareilles. This song reminds me of my friends: Becca, who is in Florida all semester; and Amber, who is in France all semester. (They sing like angels.)

Winter is just a nice time in my book.

Last YouTube video I watched: Omelette in a Toaster Recipe

Happiness is a choice

It's been a week now since I got into the journalism program and I don't think the feeling has quite worn off yet. There are still plenty of people I haven't gotten to tell for one reason or another, the biggest one being I don't get to see half of my friends as often as I should.

Perhaps the most exciting thing to happen so far because of getting in, well, besides getting Cafe Rio for dinner, was looking at the school website to figure out what classes I want to take next semester. Under a drop down menu that has options such as Elective and University Core were the words "Communications Journalism Emphasis." That was the first time I had seen such a thing on an official document. It felt really good.

In regard to other happy things in my life, basically everything right now is great. Classes are busy but not stressful, and most of them are quite fun. (Today was actually the last day of my tennis class, quite a shame really.) I've got friends, new and old. There have been a few dates already, all of which have been great. (I wouldn't call the going-on-dates aspect surprising, it's more so just different.) The football team has been winning thanks to the wonderful Riley Nelson. Back home the Badgers and Packers are dominating as well; plus, the Brewers just ended an incredible season of their own. And just yesterday I added three new Threadless shirts to my wardrobe. Church is awesome and I love the people I get to see every day.

Despite all of these great things going on in my life right now, it's important to remember that no matter how well things are going, happiness is a choice. Things aren't perfect in life, they never are. There are plenty of things I worry about and every day nothing goes exactly right, but I don't want to talk about that stuff, because happiness is choice. While it is easier to be happy when MOST things are going well, it's just another opportunity to choose that happiness. Make the decision now to be happy and staying happy is definitely easier. I might not always be confident in the choices I make or with what is going on in my life, but I am always optimistic. Well, maybe not ALWAYS. But USUALLY. It sure beats the alternative. I don't take credit for the "happiness is a choice" dealio, though. I mean, lots of people say it, but no one lives it quite like Shay Carl does.

So now I command you all to go out and be happy.

Last YouTube video I watched: Fast Food Pizza Cake (I think Epic Meal Time has become my guilty pleasure YouTube channel.)

On happiness (and 200 posts[!])

For some time now I've noticed my progression toward 200 posts on this lovely blog. Part of me is amazed how it has taken since April 2009 to get this far, I guess I'm less self-involved than I thought, but another part is amazed that I've made it this far at all.

And for days now I've been contemplating what to write about for this all important 200th post. I don't want to mess it up, you know? This has got to be one quality post. I'm a fan of cumulative lists and things like them; I like the idea that you can look back on your life and have these constants, these things you believe in and that you know over and over again, even if for a while you sometimes forget. (There's a song by The Oceanic Six called Will You Be My Constant that is just all-around happy and fantastic, and I was just reminded of it by using the word constant.) I did a post about things I know a few months back and I would quite like to do one again. This time I think I would change it to a list of constants, though. I'm a super reflective person in this sense. I love perspective and seeing the changes in my life, but like I said before, I also love seeing those constants.

------

That dashed line represents where I deleted a whole bunch of stuff I've written over the past week that I just don't like. There was a list of things there, some constants from my life. I'd intended to add some more things to that list but when I looked at it today . . . I don't want my 200th blog post to be a list. I suppose in explaining what this post won't be I'm turning it into something else, so that's a start.

I think what I want to write about is happiness. Maybe even a little joy. And perhaps I'll throw in some excitement for good measure.

I've been in school for exactly a month now. I've been in Utah a little longer, but as far as school is concerned tomorrow will be the beginning of the fifth week. Despite all the time spent in class, reading textbooks, hanging out in the library, and doing homework assignments, I find myself to be incredibly happy. That's not to say I wasn't happy during my freshman and sophomore years, I've just been particularly positive as of late. I've talked w/ Lorraine about this and we both agree that something about this year seems very reminiscent of freshman year. There's something very special about a first year at college so to get a similar feeling again is quite awesome. Having a life full of joy, and I would indeed call my life at this time joyful, only contributes to a better academic experience.

As I wait to find out whether I got into the journalism program, I feel pretty focused on having as much fun as possible and becoming as happy as possible. For one thing it keeps me distracted and I figure if I'm really happy and then I don't get in, maybe I won't drop into as much sadness as I would otherwise. I tell people I'm preparing for the worst at this point: I'm expecting to not get in. That's not entirely true, though. I find myself hoping I do get in. A lot. I do feel confident but only to an extent. It's been a complicated month, that's for sure.

I wish you all the best at this beginning of another school year. Make sure to find some hope and happiness. And thanks for always reading.

Last YouTube video I watched: BEX IS OLD [I made this for the oft mentioned Becca since she's turning 20 this week. I miss your face, Becca!]

Oh, and one final note: I got into Pottermore. I'm a Gryffindor. So that's pretty dang wonderful.

Package.

It's great enough when you get letters from people. Letters like this one, that I got today.

What's even better is that I didn't get JUST a letter. The letter came in this ginormous envelope.

What was inside the envelope, you ask? (Besides the epic three page letter . . .)

Pictures of my friend at the castle where they filmed Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

There was this awesome tartan piece of cloth that was wrapped around the best part of the package itself. It seemed really random at first.

But then I unwrapped the cloth . . . And I found this awesomeness . . .

THAT'S MY FAVORITE CANDY OF ALL TIME. And I've only ever had Wine Gums when I was in England, when my brother sent some to me from South Africa, and when my friend who lived in England all last summer brought some back for me. And now my boy Jordan sent me some from Scotland. AS A SURPRISE.

I wrote to him about Wine Gums MONTHS ago. I told him he'd have to check them out while he was over in Scotland. Apparently he didn't think they were all that great but he knew I liked them a lot so he sent them to me. I don't like using smiley faces in blogs. At all. Ever. So just know that when I opened the package and when I was writing this, I was smiling like crazy.

All that's left to do now is write back to him <3

Last YouTube video I watched: Hallelujah (Jeff Buckley) - 10thousandbirds (This girl is an amazing singer/guitar player/song writer)