Good-bye senior year (kind of)

Yesterday was the last day of finals for my (technical) senior year. Technically I should be graduating today but that's not really how college goes when you have to apply to get into your program. Regardless, finals are over and that means it's time for FUN.

After I finished my Spanish final yesterday morning, I went to lunch at Cafe Rio with Margaret. In June Margaret leaves for her mission to Japan. She and I grew up together and it seems like our families have known each other forever. It's weird to think about going home and not having Margaret there. She's one of those people that always makes Utah feel a bit more like home.

I also started packing for New York. The biggest problem I'm running into is, of course, shoes. I'm trying to be reasonable about what I'll actually want to wear for the 2 months I'm there but the thing is I really do wear  almost all of the shoes I own on a fairly regular basis. I'm only bringing one suitcase with me for 2 months away. I'm really not all that worried about not having enough clothes; though I do really like options for shirts, it's all about shoes for me.

Bronwyn's mission call opening was the highlight of the night, though. It was hilarious to watch her start reading her call out loud, stop a little bit to cry, keep reading and then finally read where she's called to serve only to have her stop AGAIN before she actually said it out loud. She's going to Salem, Oregon. It seems to be an perfect fit for her. I'm super excited to write her letters.

Peter and I then spent the rest of the night together. Finals kept us both terribly busy so we only saw each other at church on Sunday. It was great to finally sit down together with literally no responsibilities or stress left to bother either of us. After Bronwyn's mission call opening he and I went to In and Out. While there I ran into my friends Will and Braden! I've known them almost 4 years now. They're absolute gems, two people I  love talking with and who constantly make me smile. And while I'm not a crazy In and Out fan, I realized it's been quite long while since I had a cheeseburger and it sure was delicious, more so than usual I think. After eating we spent the rest of the night mostly talking.

Every now and then Peter and I try to come up with an "activity," something to actually do together, but when it comes down to it we're both more than happy to just sit on his couch talking for hours on end. And sometimes we throw in watching some TV show. Last night we watched an episode of Psych, a show I used to watch all the time but haven't seen in quite some time. I forgot how much I loved it! I laughed more watching that show than I have watching anything else in a long while. But like always, we went back to talking about life. Kirk and Kyle eventually showed up, at which point we eventually got on the topic of science jokes and Kyle told some joke he made up which I did not understand in the slightest but he thought was hilarious. That was the best part, the fact that he laughed so much at his own joke.

It's not good-bye. It's see you later.

On Wednesday, you, Lorraine Nicole Hilton, my sweet roommate of nearly 4 years, enter the Missionary Training Center to truly begin your training before heading off to Paris for 18 months. 

Lorraine, you and I have lived together since the fall of 2009 and have stuck together up to this point. You moved out of our lovely apartment on Saturday. If I had to name one constant from my last 4 years at BYU, it's you. You're it. You're basically my everything. I have been with you every fall and winter semester since 2009. I'm fairly certain I have not spent more time with anyone else since coming to BYU.

I will miss you. Miss you more than anyone else I've come to know and love at BYU. It was terrible to lose the boys from my freshman ward, and I'm sorry boys, but you've got nothing on Lorraine.

I wanted to write a whole list of all our greatest moments but I have no idea where to start. You and I have been together through the most incredible times, both good and bad.

We've laughed together,
Shopped together,
Sang together,
Cried together,
Run together,
Dreamed together,
Cooked and baked together,
Said good-bye to people together,
Traveled together,
Played frisbee together,
Studied together,
Felt lost together,
Mailed letters together,
Planned together, and
watched those plans fall apart together,
Stayed up late together,
Eaten together,
Loved together,
Celebrated together,
Sat in silence together,
Worked through basically everything together.

Lorraine, you are by far one of the most wonderful people I have ever had the pleasure of associating with, and not just associating with but loving.

And now we will no longer be together, at least not physically in the same place. But you will be a part of my life literally forever because of how you have changed and influenced me. I owe you so much and I know I'll never be able to fully explain how much you mean to me. And we know when I don't have the words for something it must be pretty incomprehensible because usually I have words for everything. Though all I really need are these five: I love you, Red Hawk.

So as you're reading this Lorraine, know how much I love you. Know how thankful I am that we ended up in the same building and apartment in Heritage Halls. I believe with all my heart that we were meant to end there. Together. That we were meant to keep living in the same place. Together. That we were meant to go through everything we have. Together.

Lorraine, you have changed my life and I know I've changed yours. I also know we'll keep changing each other's lives for years to come. These next 18 months are going to be absolutely wonderful for you and for me. That doesn't mean they'll be easy, I expect they'll be particularly difficult for each of us for a number of reasons, but they will be wonderful.

Girls as fascinating as ourselves could hardly expect anything less than an awesome time. In fact, I'm fairly certain everything will be dream.

LORRAINE IS GOING TO PARIS FRANCE

Last night my beloved, sweet Lorraine got her mission call to Paris. It was quite the affair. There were at least 30 people crammed into our apartment and it was awesome. Yesterday afternoon I texted anyone who knows and loves Lorraine who she might not have already told. Nearly everyone I messaged showed up as well. It was a great group, filled with people from all four of years at college. A good number of boys from our freshman ward. All the sophomore year roommates except one since she was at work. All of Lorraine's immediate family plus a few cousins. A few boys and girls from our junior year. Lots of people from this year, our supposed "senior" year.

After hugging and saying hello to all my friends from years past and present, I took my place near our open door with Trent on my left, standing on our end table, and Jeffrey on my right. I strategically placed myself next to Jeff, as I knew if I were to need moral/emotional support, he would be the one I would look for anyway. (He did a great job providing it as well. I'm pretty sure Jeff and I hugged more last night than throughout the last 2.5 years combined.)

So in front of a packed house, Lorraine finally opened the envelope. She read only a few lines before completely stopping and exclaiming, "Oh my gosh!" and putting her face in the papers.

This is Lorraine's literal dream mission. She has been in love with France for years and has been there multiple times already. The joy on her face was indescribable to me. So here's a picture instead.

Stacy was in the most perfect spot to get all of these pictures, so kudos to her. I gave Becca my Flip to take video of it all, which she did. I'll upload that hopefully this weekend. It was an incredible night and I'm so glad we have the pictures to remember it by, but I don't even think we really need them. For the three roommates and myself, yesterday was an amazing experience. I don't think any of us could ask for more wonderful roommates.

There's Stacy, who served her mission in Chile and who randomly lived with Lorraine and I last year. Stacy is hilarious. Her missionary wisdom never ceases to amaze us. We are so incredibly blessed that Stacy randomly bought the fourth contract in our apartment last fall. We can always count on her for delicious baked goods and snappy comebacks.

There's Becca, who I talk about a lot on here, and who I've known since freshman orientation. Our relationship is pretty much perfect. Becca can make anyone laugh, if not for her own sense of humor but because of her propensity to snort loudly. I'm pretty sure it's impossible for Becca to ever stop loving and helping people.

And there's of course, Lorraine, who I have lived with for 3.5 years now and who Becca has known since freshman year as well. My love for Lorraine knows no bounds. Had I been told freshman year that I would live with her for the rest of my college years, I don't think I would've been surprised necessarily, but more so totally excited. Lorraine and I have been through some rough times, but also some absolutely joyful ones as well. It will be tough to send her off, but I know she'll hunt me down the moment she returns from France in 2014. And it will be an amazing reunion.

As the four of us shared a group hug just moments after she opened her call, the joy and love I felt regarding all of them was simply awesome. I looked at Lorraine, tears in her eyes, and of course I could not help but cry a bit as well. I knew it was going to happen. I told all my friends if they wanted to see me cry, then they had better be at our apartment at 9:30. Becca talked about that moment later. As we were all getting ready to finally go to bed, she said that tonight was the time we went from being friends to being family. There is something to be said for a group of people who just get each other. Apparently people in the ward have, at times, taken to calling us the "Fab Four." (Not a bad reputation to have.)

I'm a firm believer in the idea that you meet certain people at certain times for certain reasons. People are in your life for a reason. I have never doubted that for a moment with Lorraine, or with either of my roommates for that matter. There's so much stuff Lorraine and I have talked about that seems to make sense to only us. Whether or not this is actually true, I don't think I'll ever know. We have the same thoughts, we say the same things, we act the same way. Ours it not a relationship to be taken lightly. Last night, Jordan told me I was acting like a grieving girlfriend sending her boy on a mission. It's a fair comparison, one I proudly accept. 

Lorraine. The love of my life. My dear, sweet ginger. You are a gem,a lady I will never forget. You are the most perfect of all the nunjas to ever exist. I cannot tell you how happy I am to be able to say with complete certainty that everything is dream.

Hellos and farewells

As school starts on Monday, the final trickle of people has ended. People are moving in all over the place. Church will now include a whole new cast of people. The number of people you meet on a new Sunday is incredible. In the most saddening turn of events regarding church, no longer do I have The Egg to accompany me from class to class or to pass notes to. (Though I'll still be seeing them often enough, it is a farewell of sorts.)

Starting Monday I have the opportunity once again to run into all the boys from my freshman ward who have returned. I'm quite ecstatic about all the possible encounters on account of how I've seen very few of them. It's like I'm getting a whole bunch of new friends, all ready-made who already know and love me. I've seen all of . . . 5 boys from my freshman year. (Jordan, Matthew, Wade, Will, Braden, and I think that's it.) That means there's a whole slew of them left for me to get to know once again!

Though as they have basically all returned, many of the girls I know are leaving. Tomorrow SJ gives her farewell talk. I'll be in attendance, of course, and I'm quite excited. Her brother is giving his farewell talk as well. I don't know if I've mentioned but Sara is going to Ecuador. For 18 months. How awesome is that? She's going to be an amazing missionary, but that won't stop me from missing her terribly.

Senior year is going to be insane, though I hope in the good way. As my good friend Augustus Waters would say, "I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, my friend."

In other news, I ran another 2 miles today. Only 146 more to go. That's slightly less intimidating. Not.

Last YouTube video I watched: Responding to Haterz

Magic letters

Over the past 2 or so years I've gotten some fantastic letters from some fantastic people. But here's a little something I never thought I would say: I think letters from sister missionaries are 10 million times better than letters from other missionaries. (No offense to my boys. They wrote some dang good letters.)

On Friday I got a letter from my dear friend Katie. She's eventually going to Hong Kong. (Yes, this is the Katie who inspired this post and the one I went October wakeboarding with.) The letter really wasn't anything that special. There were no crazy stories or experiences shared. But it was so wonderful to hear from her. She's been gone less than a month but I know it'll be weird going back to school and not having the opportunity to randomly run into her on campus. Somehow we always would and it made the days brighter.

I've gotten out of the habit of checking the mail ever since Jordan got home because his arrival meant the arrival of basically everyone else in the months soon after. There wasn't much chance of getting a letter in the last month or two before any of my friends came home. Checking the mail was one of very few constants I had from May 2010 to May 2012. It's interesting how things like that just become a part of you. In some ways I felt like a piece of me was lost when Jordan got home because suddenly there was no need to do the thing I had done for two whole years. And as John Green once wrote and Colin Singleton once said, "I don't think your missing pieces ever fit inside you again once they go missing." Usually I would agree, but in this case I think it has.

Getting that letter from Katie was exhilarating. I love doing semi-irresponsible things (longboarding, wakeboarding, climbing things, staying up until ridiculous o'clock w/ friends etc.) but there's a nifty kind of exhilaration that comes from opening a letter from a close friend. I didn't think I would ever really experience it again, even though I have a number of friends who are girls going off for 18 months, people I'll only communicate with through letters. This exhilaration does come in different forms, depending on who the letter is from, but it is always there in some way. Letter writing is a lost art and I'm so happy that I get to keep changing that.

T-minus 18 days until I return to Utah. Get excited, Utah friends.

Last YouTube video I watched: Rivers and Roads

A home of sorts

Since May there has been a serious increase in the number of my freshman friends returning from their missions. Sometimes it feels like every other day another one returns home. I can't help but smile as I see their names change on Facebook with the loss of the title "Elder." I can't help but smile as they make their first posts, proclaiming in some way, "I'M BACK," posts which are inevitably followed by a plethora of welcome back comments and likes from friends and family.

What I'm most excited about though is seeing those guys on campus again. Everywhere I went freshman year I felt like I was always running into someone I knew. The last two years I hardly saw people I knew on campus; this past year that might have had something to do with the fact that I spent nearly all my time in a single building. There was always something so comforting about knowing people on campus and being able to talk with them for even a brief moment. After freshman year literally half the people I knew were suddenly gone. But this next school year hopefully I'll get those little campus moments once again.

Recently my friend Katie wrote a blog post about enjoying time w/ her family before she leaves for a year and a half to Hong Kong. Her post started off with this:

Do you ever have those moments when something is so beautiful that you can't breathe? When your heart is so full and fit to burst that there actually isn't enough room in your chest for air? When you ache with longing, and you aren't quite sure why, but your white-hot joy is tinged with just a shade of grief? When you are reminded of something that feels more like home than anything you've ever experienced, but you can't quite put your finger on what it is? 

Katie is quite the wordsmith, something I've always known but appreciated so much more when I read that. She managed to put into words a few different emotions that are often so hard to explain, especially the emotions directly related to what "home" is. As I saw my friends come home while I was in Utah for spring term I experienced a different version of home. Walking and talking with Jordan was incredibly familiar; we didn't skip a beat. Watching Matthew interact with his old roommates and talking with him one-on-one was so comforting; in so many ways little had changed. But in so many ways a lot had changed as well. We're all different but also the same. Two years changed us but I also think it made us realize even more so how "home" is not the place but the people.

And while those freshman friends make college feel like home, there are plenty of people I met while they were gone that make me feel at home. The boys of Fiery Passion. The girls across the hall in apartment #2. Carson & Kaitlin from Italian. Mckenna. Jeff, and sometimes even his crazy roommates. James, Brooke's husband of almost one year(!) And most recently Cameron for starting Doctor Who night.

In about a year or so I won't be a college student anymore. It's probable that I won't reside in Utah, nor will many of my friends who made it into a home at all, but that's okay. Utah itself isn't all that special. Utah is special because of the people I met and learned to love, people I will always continue to know and love. Without those people Utah would mean nothing to me. The great thing about having met people from all over the United States is the fact that home is wherever we happen to meet again.

I'd also like to mention that this my 300th post on this blog. Incredible. Three hundred posts, some more intricate and thought-provoking than others, that's for sure. I'm not sure if I'll get to 300 more but you never know.

Last YouTube video I watched: Meyers Leonard Highlight Mix

Summer packing & last adventures

I've spent a little time the past two days putting my clothes and a few other belongings in my now-weathered suitcase. It's been on quite a few trips now, many to and from Utah. The most exciting thing about packing today is the fact that I'll be able to fit my wonderful memory foam pillow and the suitcase won't be over the 50 pound weight limit. I'm very excited about this fact.

Packing is always interesting because it really shows you what things you like/need the most, especially when it comes to clothes. There are some shirts and pants I most definitely need and others that are nice to have but just aren't necessary. I've found that to be the case with a lot of my t-shirts. There are still things at home in my closet so I don't need to bring everything from here. It's hard to decide what to bring and what to leave though since I don't know how I'll feel a month from now and I don't doubt wanting a lot of the things being left behind in my closet in Utah.

Of course some of the hardest things to leave behind are books. I love having a lot of my books here in Utah because they make my room feel like a home. Luckily my brother and I both have all the Harry Potter books or I'd be real sad. This will also give me the opportunity/force me to read books I haven't read before.

Besides packing the last few days have been spent doing awesome stuff with awesome people. Becca and I made Swedish pancakes the other night at, like, eleven. They were delicious of course. Lorraine and Laura came over to enjoy them with us.

Lorraine, Becca and I also went to a birthday party for a friend, though the real purpose was to see Amber. She lived in the same building as us freshman year. Becca and her were also roommates sophomore year. It's always lovely to see Amber and just catch up on life. It's great when we all get together because suddenly all these inside jokes come out that we usually forget about, and then we just laugh really hard and people are confused as to what's so funny.

Thursday afternoon I got lunch with Jeff. We went to Cafe Rio and it was glorious. I seem to always forget how delicious Cafe Rio is until I go again. It was just the two of us which was lovely. We sat for a long time just talking about life and such. We're really good at transitioning between all sorts of topics of conversation. One minute we'll be talking about BYU football or basketball and then we're talking about his roommates' dating lives and then we'll be having some spiritual/churchy conversation. It's great times with Jeff and I'll miss our little hang outs.

Perhaps the best thing of this past week was hanging out with Jordan one last time before I leave. Actually, it is definitely the best thing that happened this past week. He came over yesterday morning and we went to the park and threw around my frisbee for an hour. Then we got shakes at the creamery. It was the first time he had the flavor graham canyon since getting back from his mission so he was super excited and he was not disappointed. We ate our shakes at my apartment and then watched most of the Sweden/England soccer match. At halftime we shared our friends' awkward engagement pictures and had a good laugh. I also shared some of my new music with him. Jordan and I became friends primarily because we loved each other's music, but we stayed friends because we have a lot of other stuff in common as well. Saying good-bye to him was difficult since we've only seen each other a couple times in the past month he's been home but it's all right this time around because we can actually call each other and text each other whenever we want. Fall semester is going to be awesome and we've already made plans for some adventures upon my return to Utah.

So tonight is Mikaela's wedding reception. Lorraine and I will go to that and then visiting SJ's house to have a little fire and to eat s'mores. I'm sleeping over at Sara's house so tomorrow we can go together to see Matthew speak in church. This will be the first, and really the only time, I'll be seeing Matthew this spring. I'm ecstatic. Now that he's home the mail has little meaning anymore. For two years I practically lived for checking the mail, but those days are no more. It's weird to not have that constant anymore, though now that my friends who are girls are going on missions I'll still be writing plenty of letters, that's for sure.

And now a photo tribute to Mikaela and I throughout the years:

I'm pretty sure this is the first picture
Mikaela and I were ever in together

Congratulations on getting married today, Mik! You're awesome and I can't wait to hear about all your married life adventures with Calvin in Colorado.

Last YouTube video I watched: Watsky raps fast

Letters & returns

I just spent well over an hour listening to Noah And The Whale and reading all the letters I got from one of my very closest friends while he's been on his mission. He comes home in about two weeks and it was crazy to read things from both one and two years ago.

We spend all our time waiting for them to come back so when they finally do start coming back it's kind of weird. Nope, not kind of weird. Totally and completely weird. We can send them off and wait for them but it's hard to know how to act when they start returning.

The only contact I've had with these friends for two years is handwritten letters. It's both wonderful and terrible. You get to know people incredibly well through letters, but obviously there is no replacement for in-person interactions. I love the letters I've gotten from my friends and they only make me more excited for those in real life interactions that will be even more prevalent in coming months.

Letter-reading is definitely very relaxing and almost cathartic. For a lot of the letters I read, I could remember exactly where I was when I first read them. The most recent letter from the aforementioned awesome friend, for example, was read lying on the carpet in my living room. And I'm pretty sure I was listening to Noah And The Whale as I read it as well.

All my closest friends from freshman year will be getting home within the next few months so I hardly expect to receive any letters either, not with such small amounts of time left. I could not care less, though. I'm just stoked to see all their faces for real and not in pictures of them with suits and ties.

Last YouTube video I watched: Mumford & Sons - Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing

A thing I did today

So yeah, I posted already today. About candy. But I just thought of something else I did today that is way more nostalgia inducing and actually pretty serious.

Today I registered for spring classes. As Lorraine and I were eating our respective dinners of rice & vegetables w/ soy sauce and a lettuce wrap w/ cheese, she mentioned how we've been building up to this moment for the last two years, me specifically. Winter semester freshman year, very early on, I decided that I would be staying spring semester 2012 so that I might be able to see some of my lovely friends immediately after they returned home from their missions. I talked about this plan all the time over the past two years. There's probably at least one other blog post from way back when in which I mention it. Last semester it still seemed kind of other worldly to think I'd be in Utah during the spring.

But now it's really coming.

I had some distractions last semester so while I thought about the return of my friends quite often, it was a lot of tempered thought. That was probably a good thing. Last semester was the first time since my friends left that I really felt like I was moving towards something new and different, which I was. I mentioned in my post from Monday that because I've spent all this time waiting, I hardly know how to act with the returning. Looking back, those three months did bring me some guidance, though I wouldn't exactly call it anything concrete. Or maybe I'm just not willing to share what I learned, at least not yet. (Trust me, I learned some really important stuff, though.) A lot of things happened in the last few months of last year that would seem to be turning points of some sort or another. It's an interesting concept.

It's hard for me to decide what to share and what not to share tonight, if only for the fact that I'm scared I'll just be rambling. I think a lot of my posts on the subject of returning friends become quite repetitious. Though my intentions for each post seem different, somehow it all ends up sounding the same. I'm also still apprehensive about sharing on this blog the various details of specific events. One reason I'll admit for not sharing such details is because I find it (usually) much more helpful to work out such thoughts with real people, in real life. Writing about that stuff here sometimes feels like cheating, because I know how much I would benefit from actually talking about it all. What holds me back with actually talking to people is the fact that I need the right people around, especially since some of them have heard certain thoughts over and over again, and I don't want to burden them with it all.

And wow, this has become a completely different post than I stared out with . . . To get back on track: I registered for spring classes and I could not be more excited about it. I will most definitely be in the state of Utah for the returns of a few choice people who have pretty much changed my life.

Last YouTube video I watched: First Impressions (original Julia Nunes)

And so they return

Today was the first time I ran into a freshman friend on campus. I'd seen a few other guys from freshman year, one who was a good friend then, but today was the first accidental run in.

And it was glorious. (Maybe that's too strong a word, but it was super neat.)

I'd been having a pretty good day, nothing to complain about at all, really. As I was leaving my building to head home for lunch and to start homework I saw him. He lived with my best friend Matt so I know him well enough. Our apartments did a big group date once; it was way fun. But I digress. I had my headphones in and he had his in but when we saw each other it was a bit of a double take; at least, I kind of did a double take. Some of it was because just an hour or so before I was talking w/ Lorraine and Brooke about seeing freshman boys again. And then I saw one!

We hugged, which ended up not as nice as it should've been because of the glorious filled backpacks we're forced to haul around. He and I talked for five or ten minutes, just doing some quick catching up on school and on old friends. It was a fantastic little way to end my day on campus.

I think my favorite part of that moment, of seeing this guy who I was friends with but not best friends with, was that it still felt amazing. I've been waiting for two years for these boys to return to the place we met and now that they finally are I can hardly believe it. In a sense, I have no idea how to act. I worked so long on waiting that I'm not prepared for the returning. To have these people around from that awesome first year at college is just fantastic.

So for how exciting just seeing this kid was, I can hardly begin to imagine how exciting it will be to see Matthew and Jordan. I'm glad I have all semester to prepare, though I doubt it will matter in the slightest when those days come.

Last YouTube video I watched: Jason Mraz Cover (I Won't Give Up)

The explanation blog

I believe it was in my first post of BEDA that I (very) briefly mentioned how next spring will "be a time of utmost happiness and wonder." And since I'm done with 2 of my 3 finals and my next one isn't until Wednesday, I figured I would take a little time to describe why I'm so excited about next spring.

As is pretty common with my life, we have to go back first to freshman year of college.

I met these really awesome guys last year. Some of them are my best friends, by far. They are the epitome of lovely. But here's the deal: in the LDS Church, when guys turn 19 they are strongly encouraged to serve a 2 year mission. They go to various places throughout the United States and the world, preaching the Gospel and testifying of Christ. They do so for 2 years straight. Their main form of communication with the outside world is the good ol' postal service. They e-mail with their families every week and call home on Mother's Day and Christmas.

Seeing as I'm not actually related to any of these awesome boys I met once upon a time, I really like writing/mailing/receiving/reading letters. I've spent more money on postage in the last year than I have in the rest of my life combined. It's pretty crazy.

I'm sure you'll remember at this point that I said the boys are gone for 2 years. After winter semester ended last year, basically all of the boys left some time in the summer months, meaning that they will all return about a year from now. Now, one of my favorite boys/closest friends was the first one to leave after winter semester; he was on his way to Scotland in like the second week of May. But guess what? That means he has just over a year left! Which means that at this time next year I will be FREAKING OUT over seeing one of my best friends after having not seen him in over 2 years; after having only talked to him through letters; after having to wait weeks for letters to come. And at the beginning of June my absolute best friend will be returning from Washington DC, so that's pretty dang exciting as well. I'm just really lucky that the two boys I want to see the most are both from Utah, enabling me to see them while I'm around for spring semester.

Yeah, that's right! I'll be at school next spring semester! Pretty much the only reason I'm staying is so I can see them. Why would I actually want to stay in Utah? To get an education? Pssht, I think not.

So yeah, I'm going to be the happiest I've pretty much ever been next spring. It's going to be awesome.

Last YouTube video I watched: Pacific vs. Atlantic