A home of sorts

Since May there has been a serious increase in the number of my freshman friends returning from their missions. Sometimes it feels like every other day another one returns home. I can't help but smile as I see their names change on Facebook with the loss of the title "Elder." I can't help but smile as they make their first posts, proclaiming in some way, "I'M BACK," posts which are inevitably followed by a plethora of welcome back comments and likes from friends and family.

What I'm most excited about though is seeing those guys on campus again. Everywhere I went freshman year I felt like I was always running into someone I knew. The last two years I hardly saw people I knew on campus; this past year that might have had something to do with the fact that I spent nearly all my time in a single building. There was always something so comforting about knowing people on campus and being able to talk with them for even a brief moment. After freshman year literally half the people I knew were suddenly gone. But this next school year hopefully I'll get those little campus moments once again.

Recently my friend Katie wrote a blog post about enjoying time w/ her family before she leaves for a year and a half to Hong Kong. Her post started off with this:

Do you ever have those moments when something is so beautiful that you can't breathe? When your heart is so full and fit to burst that there actually isn't enough room in your chest for air? When you ache with longing, and you aren't quite sure why, but your white-hot joy is tinged with just a shade of grief? When you are reminded of something that feels more like home than anything you've ever experienced, but you can't quite put your finger on what it is? 

Katie is quite the wordsmith, something I've always known but appreciated so much more when I read that. She managed to put into words a few different emotions that are often so hard to explain, especially the emotions directly related to what "home" is. As I saw my friends come home while I was in Utah for spring term I experienced a different version of home. Walking and talking with Jordan was incredibly familiar; we didn't skip a beat. Watching Matthew interact with his old roommates and talking with him one-on-one was so comforting; in so many ways little had changed. But in so many ways a lot had changed as well. We're all different but also the same. Two years changed us but I also think it made us realize even more so how "home" is not the place but the people.

And while those freshman friends make college feel like home, there are plenty of people I met while they were gone that make me feel at home. The boys of Fiery Passion. The girls across the hall in apartment #2. Carson & Kaitlin from Italian. Mckenna. Jeff, and sometimes even his crazy roommates. James, Brooke's husband of almost one year(!) And most recently Cameron for starting Doctor Who night.

In about a year or so I won't be a college student anymore. It's probable that I won't reside in Utah, nor will many of my friends who made it into a home at all, but that's okay. Utah itself isn't all that special. Utah is special because of the people I met and learned to love, people I will always continue to know and love. Without those people Utah would mean nothing to me. The great thing about having met people from all over the United States is the fact that home is wherever we happen to meet again.

I'd also like to mention that this my 300th post on this blog. Incredible. Three hundred posts, some more intricate and thought-provoking than others, that's for sure. I'm not sure if I'll get to 300 more but you never know.

Last YouTube video I watched: Meyers Leonard Highlight Mix

Freshman fun (2 years later)

Last night I saw one of my very best friends dance with her husband at their gorgeous wedding reception.

Last night I also stayed up late talking about boys and the mysteries of life with my freshman roommate while sleeping in the same room once again.

Today I talked to and hugged another one of my very best friends for the first time in over two years.

This afternoon I also sat next to, hugged, joked with, snacked with and talked with two other really awesome friends who I've only seen once since they returned to Utah in December and January respectively.

It was a crazy weekend for freshman memories and friends, that's for sure. It all started with being around Jordan for a few hours on Friday. (Except I'm totally lame and we didn't take any pictures together. Bummer.) Being around him always makes me reminisce. 

As I mentioned in an earlier post, Saturday night was Mikaela's wedding reception. It was an awesome night. Lorraine and I helped decorate Mik and Calvin's car. It's so fun being involved in wedding activities like that. Our good friend Kara was kind of in charge and had bought a ton of supplies: window paint, post-it notes, streamers, knock-off Oreos, marshmallows etc. The greatest part about the car was what Calvin's uncle did. He wired the brakes to a horn, so whenever someone stepped on the brakes off went a horn. It was hilarious.

the finished product

After the reception Lorraine and I went to SJ's house to hang out. When we got there she had a huge ice pack on her face. Her little brother accidentally hit her in the face with a lacrosse ball. It was both funny and sad. We got a lot of nice talking in and just reminisced on life and also we got to learn about her boyfriend Dave. This was the first time I met him but he's great. Once Lorraine and Dave left Sara and I kept talking of course and just philosophized like old times. It was lovely to sleep in the same room as her again and talk about life across the room in our beds. It was so familiar and comfortable and great. I'm going to miss her terribly when she goes to Ecuador.

This morning Sara and I went to a mission farewell for her really good friend and a girl I met through her. It was lovely. Then we went back to SJ's and ate crepes with her dad and little brother. Sara is a great cook and the crepes were DELICIOUS. We had strawberries, raspberries, chocolate syrup, maple syrup and homemade whipped cream! We ate a ridiculous amount but it was great.

This afternoon it was time to see Matthew for the first time in over two years. He did an awesome job speaking and I loved just seeing and hearing him again. In church I sat next to Sara, of course, and our freshman friends Braden and Will. They were two of Matt's roommates and this was their first time seeing him too. We all just laughed and had a great time all afternoon talking about their missions, summer plans and our plans to hang out in fall. Will and Braden are the guys Lorraine and I saw Imagine Dragons with back in March. Will and I already have plans to go to another concert together in September.

reunited at last.

I probably monopolized Matt's time a little much but I felt justified since I haven't seen him in over two years and I won't see him now for another two months. It was so great seeing him and I can go back to Wisconsin a very happy kid having seen him.

I will never not love him.

Last YouTube video I watched: Permafrost (Laurena)

Letters & returns

I just spent well over an hour listening to Noah And The Whale and reading all the letters I got from one of my very closest friends while he's been on his mission. He comes home in about two weeks and it was crazy to read things from both one and two years ago.

We spend all our time waiting for them to come back so when they finally do start coming back it's kind of weird. Nope, not kind of weird. Totally and completely weird. We can send them off and wait for them but it's hard to know how to act when they start returning.

The only contact I've had with these friends for two years is handwritten letters. It's both wonderful and terrible. You get to know people incredibly well through letters, but obviously there is no replacement for in-person interactions. I love the letters I've gotten from my friends and they only make me more excited for those in real life interactions that will be even more prevalent in coming months.

Letter-reading is definitely very relaxing and almost cathartic. For a lot of the letters I read, I could remember exactly where I was when I first read them. The most recent letter from the aforementioned awesome friend, for example, was read lying on the carpet in my living room. And I'm pretty sure I was listening to Noah And The Whale as I read it as well.

All my closest friends from freshman year will be getting home within the next few months so I hardly expect to receive any letters either, not with such small amounts of time left. I could not care less, though. I'm just stoked to see all their faces for real and not in pictures of them with suits and ties.

Last YouTube video I watched: Mumford & Sons - Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing

Can I have my best friend back now?

I technically started this post before the 9th but whatever. I've spent a lot of time thinking today about how what I need in my life right now is my friend Matthew.

For the most part things have been great, but that just makes me want to share all the good things with him. And when things have been not so great, I want him around to help fix it all. He doesn't exactly fix my problems but he makes me feel like anything is possible and somehow says the most brilliant things. He is also an amazing hugger.

Yesterday was both wonderful and difficult. I thought more about him yesterday than I have in a long time. All of my thoughts were concentrated, I suppose. That would seem the best way to describe it. I think about Matthew every day but this past Sunday my mind was especially filled with thoughts of him. He's coming home in June and that's basically two months away now, which is such craziness. His letters have brought some of the greatest comfort and happiness over the past two years. So much has happened these last two years and I think some stuff would have been a lot easier if Matt had been around, but that's not how things work. I'm grateful he's been around at all, even if it has just been in small, handwritten notes.

Besides Matthew, I also thought a lot about my best friend from home on Sunday, though that was because we talked on the phone for almost an hour. We rehashed a lot of life and summer plans. Talking with her is always wonderful and I never want our conversations to end. She's been incredibly supportive through these last two years as my friends were gone on their missions. Now they're coming home she's almost as excited as I am, or so it seems at times. It's amazing. She's seen how important they are to me and to my life so they've become important to her as well. It's one of her greatest talents.

Aren't best friends fabulous people?

The last thing I have to say has to do with new music. I need some. Well, maybe I don't need new music but I need to be reminded of some good music. Lately I've felt like I'm stuck in a musical rut. For the last few months, basically all I've listened to is Imagine Dragons and Julia Nunes. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to listen to them incessantly but I'm looking for more happy music. You'll remember in my happiness is a choice post that listening to happy music makes a wonderful difference. So give me all you've got as far as happy music is concerned. You guys know the kind of stuff I like, so I trust you.

Last YouTube video I watched: Charles Barkley & Shay Carl get HEATED!!!

In the past year

Every year of college thus far, on my birthday or soon before or after, I have made a video mentioning all of the cool things I did in the last year. I won't link to the video here because I have a strict no-linking-to-my-own-videos policy, but those of you that really want to find it will be able to.

The moment after I hit the publish button I suddenly remembered a bunch of things I did that didn't make it into the video. It always seems to happen that way. I'm going to list some of those things here, along with some things I came to learn in my 21st year of life while I was 20 years old.

-On my way home to Wisconsin after winter 2011 semester, I stopped in Iowa to spend the afternoon with my best friend, Kate. I don't mention Kate very often on this blog and that's totally uncalled for on account of how she plays a huge role in my life. We went to this cool little restaurant and had cashew butter sandwiches. They were extremely delicious. Seeing her was amazing since we only saw each other very briefly over Christmas break.

-I didn't get a haircut. The last time I got a haircut was August 2010. I'm most definitely due for one, though only a trim, since this year (junior year) is the first time in college my hair has been a length I really like.

-I had hypoxia in my, I think, right eye. Or was it my left? I don't recall at this point. Basically, my eye wasn't getting enough oxygen and I had to put in tons of eyedrops that were literally steroids and wear my glasses for a while. I would say the majority of people I've met at college have never seen me in my old glasses; there's a reason for that. Everyone knows me by my black nerdy glasses these days, so it might be hard to imagine me not liking my glasses but I just really did not like my old ones. Besides the fact that I had to wear glasses I didn't like, eye pain is some of the most horrible pain I've ever experien

-I learned a lot more about patience this past year. For as much I wanted letters during my sophomore year of school, the summer and fall semester of 2011 have taught me over and over again the reason I write letters at all, as has this semester thus far. Since my last birthday I was very lucky, getting letters from Jordan literally once a month. They were amazing letters too. I haven't gotten one from him in a while now, but whenever things seem to be going off-track, a letter from Matt finds its way to me.

-Speaking of Jordan and Matt, I learned even more how much they care about me. It's a lot. I wish I could convey more clearly how I feel about those boys and how they feel about me, but my relationships with them are quite inexplicable with words most of the time.

-I realized how much my relationship with Marcas still affects my decisions today, and how much it means when people hear the whole story. I know I haven't mentioned him in a quite some time in my writings here; I don't even know if he ever was mentioned by name on this blog, though I imagine he had to be. (I know at one point I moved a post about him over to my journal-blog). If you've heard the Marcas story in its entirety, know that it means you're a big deal. In Utah, I think 3 people know it. And only 1 person from home does.

-I found a lot of confidence in myself this past year, in so many ways. I guess I'll list a few things that I feel more sure about that I had not felt good about before: how I look, my dating life, the fact that I have a future and I really am good at writing. It's a pretty vague list, but the repercussions are felt every day on all three of those points.

-Watching The Office can cure all injury, physical or otherwise. Watching The Office with friends works even better.

-My version of "um" is most definitely "I don't know." In relaxed/philosophical conversation when I'm trying to explain myself, my answer first is (almost) always "I don't know," at which point I will then explain what I mean. I never noticed that before until fall semester; I say noticed but it was pointed out to me that I always say it. Besides it being my "um," it also kind of means I do actually know but don't want to completely explain myself, so I say that to stall a bit and think up the best way to say whatever it is that I don't want to say in a way that sounds legitimate. Sorry if you've had to experience any of those things; I know people get annoyed by it. I'm really trying to work on doing it less.

Last YouTube video I watched: Mario Bros. vs Wright Bros. Epic Rap Battle of History

A thing I did today

So yeah, I posted already today. About candy. But I just thought of something else I did today that is way more nostalgia inducing and actually pretty serious.

Today I registered for spring classes. As Lorraine and I were eating our respective dinners of rice & vegetables w/ soy sauce and a lettuce wrap w/ cheese, she mentioned how we've been building up to this moment for the last two years, me specifically. Winter semester freshman year, very early on, I decided that I would be staying spring semester 2012 so that I might be able to see some of my lovely friends immediately after they returned home from their missions. I talked about this plan all the time over the past two years. There's probably at least one other blog post from way back when in which I mention it. Last semester it still seemed kind of other worldly to think I'd be in Utah during the spring.

But now it's really coming.

I had some distractions last semester so while I thought about the return of my friends quite often, it was a lot of tempered thought. That was probably a good thing. Last semester was the first time since my friends left that I really felt like I was moving towards something new and different, which I was. I mentioned in my post from Monday that because I've spent all this time waiting, I hardly know how to act with the returning. Looking back, those three months did bring me some guidance, though I wouldn't exactly call it anything concrete. Or maybe I'm just not willing to share what I learned, at least not yet. (Trust me, I learned some really important stuff, though.) A lot of things happened in the last few months of last year that would seem to be turning points of some sort or another. It's an interesting concept.

It's hard for me to decide what to share and what not to share tonight, if only for the fact that I'm scared I'll just be rambling. I think a lot of my posts on the subject of returning friends become quite repetitious. Though my intentions for each post seem different, somehow it all ends up sounding the same. I'm also still apprehensive about sharing on this blog the various details of specific events. One reason I'll admit for not sharing such details is because I find it (usually) much more helpful to work out such thoughts with real people, in real life. Writing about that stuff here sometimes feels like cheating, because I know how much I would benefit from actually talking about it all. What holds me back with actually talking to people is the fact that I need the right people around, especially since some of them have heard certain thoughts over and over again, and I don't want to burden them with it all.

And wow, this has become a completely different post than I stared out with . . . To get back on track: I registered for spring classes and I could not be more excited about it. I will most definitely be in the state of Utah for the returns of a few choice people who have pretty much changed my life.

Last YouTube video I watched: First Impressions (original Julia Nunes)

Candy association

One of my roommates works at the candy counter in the bookstore here on campus. This semester she's been working the close shift so that means any candy that was spilled or couldn't be sold, she gets to bring home.

I sit here this fine evening, not doing homework because I've basically finished all of it, eating some of this fabulous candy. And I realized tonight how much I associate certain candy with certain people. For example:

The only package I ever sent a missionary was to my lovely Jordan. He's serving in Scotland. I sent him Reese's Pieces because he was so subtle in one letter at expressing his love for them. Today's bag of candy Stacy brought home is full of Reese's Pieces and as I began eating them I realized how I automatically began thinking of Jordan.

My friend Chelsea and I love the MadTV skit that goes something along the lines of, "Can I Have Yo Numba'?" We quote it often and have for the past few years. Ergo, whenever I eat Mike & Ikes, which I happen to love, I automatically think of that skit and then of Chelsea.

At the beginning of last semester, one night Hank and I went to the grocery store and bought candy. It was his idea. (He is very much so a child in the fact that he loves sugar.) It was quite a good idea, though. We bought, rather, he bought for us, Swedish Fish and those fruity flavored Tootsie Roll dealios. (Does anyone know what are they called exactly?) Swedish Fish already held a special place in my heart because my friend Brooke loves them so much. (She registered for them when she got married.) Now it's double memories since Hank and I had a great time hanging out that night.

My dad is a fan of those Milky Way Midnight bars. Therefore if I am having one I think of the time when they first came out and he said he liked them.

Perhaps my favorite candy memory comes from Matthew. We went on a date in November of 2009. Before going to this improv show, we stopped at the grocery store because he thought he wanted a snack. So we're looking at the candy aisle and there's a king sized Kit Kat bar. He decided we'd just get something to eat after the show, which was fine by me, so he didn't get the Kit Kat, but for the rest of the night he kept going on and on about that candy bar. And not just for the rest of the night, for the rest of forever. We still talk today about the date we went on when he didn't buy that giant Kit Kat bar. I'm pretty sure I mention in most of my letters to him whether or not I've eaten a Kit Kat bar lately.

And those are just the beginning. Candy is something special in my book, apparently. I like that idea.

Last YouTube video I watched: George Watsky - Go Big, Young Friends
(Okay, so technically it was the "Can I Have Yo Numba" skit because I just had to watch it after mentioning it. But I did watch George Watsky before that. I've been on a gwatsky kick lately.)

And so they return

Today was the first time I ran into a freshman friend on campus. I'd seen a few other guys from freshman year, one who was a good friend then, but today was the first accidental run in.

And it was glorious. (Maybe that's too strong a word, but it was super neat.)

I'd been having a pretty good day, nothing to complain about at all, really. As I was leaving my building to head home for lunch and to start homework I saw him. He lived with my best friend Matt so I know him well enough. Our apartments did a big group date once; it was way fun. But I digress. I had my headphones in and he had his in but when we saw each other it was a bit of a double take; at least, I kind of did a double take. Some of it was because just an hour or so before I was talking w/ Lorraine and Brooke about seeing freshman boys again. And then I saw one!

We hugged, which ended up not as nice as it should've been because of the glorious filled backpacks we're forced to haul around. He and I talked for five or ten minutes, just doing some quick catching up on school and on old friends. It was a fantastic little way to end my day on campus.

I think my favorite part of that moment, of seeing this guy who I was friends with but not best friends with, was that it still felt amazing. I've been waiting for two years for these boys to return to the place we met and now that they finally are I can hardly believe it. In a sense, I have no idea how to act. I worked so long on waiting that I'm not prepared for the returning. To have these people around from that awesome first year at college is just fantastic.

So for how exciting just seeing this kid was, I can hardly begin to imagine how exciting it will be to see Matthew and Jordan. I'm glad I have all semester to prepare, though I doubt it will matter in the slightest when those days come.

Last YouTube video I watched: Jason Mraz Cover (I Won't Give Up)

Girl Time: A Thing I Don't Really Like

I am not very fond of "girls' nights." This is not to say I don't enjoy spending time with my female friends but there's something slightly unnerving about a group of girls getting together with the intent of not seeing or talking to any boys and watching a girly movie and talking about how boys are stupid or how boys are wonderful or how boys are confusing. Each of these acts done separately is usually fine; well, except for watching chick flicks. I have a hard time embracing those in any setting. Just putting all of those things together is just not my cup of tea. This might sound hypocritical because, as a girl, I obviously talk about boys often enough, especially attending BYU. I just don't like doing it with lots of other girls around. I can be excited over a plethora of things but rarely do I flip out over boys. I was never an incredibly excitable person and college has just mellowed me out even more when it comes to spending time with boys so when I get around a big group of girls I just don't cope very well.

I'm not trying ostracize my female friends or anything like that. And I'm not trying to demean what it means to be a woman or anything like that. I just don't like spending time with large groups of girls unless we're, like, watching or playing sports together. Or eating cookies and discussing the merits of different types of cookies as far as dunking them in milk is concerned. Or if we're watching Indiana Jones or Harry Potter or something epic.

Since my later high school years and throughout college, I've found myself counting on boys far more often to be my close friends than girls. There is something to be said for having a boy as your best friend. For one thing, there is no worrying that he will repeat what was said to him. (His roommates don't care what's going on in your love life, or lack thereof.) I find them to also be very straightforward. They don't sugarcoat things; at least, my guy friends don't. If I ask them a question honestly, they answer it honestly. It's a beautiful thing. Obviously some girls can also be straightforward but for the most part they're just trying not to hurt your feelings. And because guys are all about fixing problems and finding solutions, I've found that even when I expect them to just listen, they tell me ways to get through things even if I wasn't looking for actual answers. At times this can be frustrating, because sometimes you just need someone to listen, but my friends usually do it in such a way that I am very grateful for their input, even if I wasn't expecting it. Talking with boys is just so . . . nice.

I think we must also acknowledge the wonderfulness that is a hug from these boy friends. I would venture to say the hugs I received from Matthew top any hugs I've received from a potential/real love interest. Well, I suppose they're better in different ways. I might be a little biased on account of how Matt's been gone for almost two years and he's one of the best friends I've ever had but he did give some dang good hugs. People say a picture is worth a thousand words? That might be true but then a good hug has got to be worth at least that much, if not more.

And to share a quick experience over the wonder of what I like call those "boy_friends." They're more than just normal friends but still things are completely platonic and always will be.

I called my one current boy_friend after the event that hasn't ever been named. He came over at 11:30 at night. He was already technically in bed. He almost ignored my call and went to sleep instead. But he didn't. He came to my apartment and talked with me for almost an hour. He listened. He gave advice  in the wonderful way that only he can. It was one of those nights I won't soon forget. The fact that I have a friend who cares enough to come see me at 11:30 at night, an exam night no less, having to walk through the cold, which is a real issue since he's from California, is just really nice.

So the moral of the story is: your guy friends should be your best friends.

Last YouTube video I watched: Chocolate Brownie Recipe - Sorted

Kindred feelings and the beauty of a friend

Do you guys ever get the feeling, where for whatever reason, you want one friend and that one friend only with you at that very moment? To me it kind of feels like this: at that time and at that place, only that one person could do anything for you. Only that one person could make me feel better. Only that one person could talk with me and get the real story. Yeah, I really needed my one person this past week.

It's strange how that works. I wish the world knew more about feelings and instincts, and why certain people have the ability to make everything better. To a degree, it's all about security and trust. But why do we trust that person? Why do they make us feel so secure?

One of my favorite quotes comes out of a manual from a religion class I took last fall. I often don't get overtly religious on my blog, on account of how religion is a pretty personal deal to me, but even if you aren't religious, I know you've had the feeling this describes. I know you have. It's from a book called Key to the Science of Theology.

"The gift of the Holy Spirit adapts itself to all [of man's] organs or attributes. It quickens all the intellectual faculties, increases, enlarges, expands and purifies all the natural passions and affections; and adapts them, by the gift of wisdom, to their lawful use. It inspires, develops, cultivates and matures all the fine-toned sympathies, joys, tastes, kindred feelings and affections of our nature. It inspires virtue, kindness, goodness, tenderness, gentleness and charity. It develops beauty of person, form and features. It tends to health, vigor, animation and social feeling. It develops and invigorates all the faculties of the physical and intellectual man. It strengthens, invigorates, and gives tone to the nerves. In short, it is, as it were, marrow to the bone, joy to the heart, light to the eyes, music to the ears, and life to the whole being.

In the presence of such persons, one feels to enjoy the light of their countenances, as the genial rays of a sunbeam. Their very atmosphere diffuses a thrill, a warm glow of pure gladness and sympathy, to the heart and nerves of others who have kindred feelings, or sympathy of spirit."

Yes, it is long, but so very worth it. I've bolded the parts that truly apply. When you read that, can you not help but think of that one person with whom you share kindred feelings? Or maybe there are a few people you've experienced that with. It is undoubtedly someone you love, maybe you are even in love with them. But no matter who it is, they are beautiful to you. And you are beautiful to them. I'm not even talking about beauty in a physical way. I'm talking about in the way that when they speak, it's like they're speaking to you. And even if there are so many other people in the room, it can still be just the two of you. That beauty can be hard to find at first; it's often so very unexpected. But when you find it . . . They become one of the most beautiful and wonderful people in the world.

"You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they're as dull as a brick? Then there's other people and you meet them and you think, "Not bad; they're okay." And then you get to know them and their face sort of becomes them, like their personality is written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful."

That, my friends, is a quote from the television show Doctor Who, the most recent episode entitled The Girl Who Waited. (We're not going to talk about the implications of that just yet.) But The Girl, Amy, was talking about her husband, her best friend. Yes, I realize this is a fictional example and that Doctor Who is not real but does that make it any less true? I submit that it does not.

I'm quite proud to say that even before I watched that episode this afternoon, I had already started this post. Strange how it fell perfectly in line with everything I was trying to say, eh?

Run like the wind

I should SO be in bed right now as I'm running w/ Lorraine tomorrow. She's trying to make me a runner. We'll see how well this process continues.

Lately life has been all over the board. I miss my best friend like no other. I'm sure you're confused as to what I mean by best friend. Here's the deal w/ my best friends: I have my home best friend [Kate] I have my school best friend [Matt] and then there is Marcas who I cannot even explain. In this case, I mostly am referring to Matthew, though I definitely miss Kate. I dare not get started on Marcas. Every day is hard without Matt around. From November when we went on our "pity date" as I like to call it up until the day or so before he left, we probably talked almost every day. We missed very few days; I made sure of it. It's weird to think that he's been gone over 5 months now. It's just hard without him.

School is school, which means it's stressful. I'm not even homesick; I don't care that I'm not going home for Thanksgiving. I just don't want to be doing school stuff. It's difficult to remember that last year at this time I probably was only beginning my friendship with Matt, so at this time I was still struggling with the stress. Now I can barely remember a time before him. I should probably stop caring so much about what I don't have now that he's gone but here's a little news flash: IT IS NOT EASY. I'm making my way through classes, doing pretty well, but it was just easier when you can text/call/run over to see someone who will just make you not care. I want to not care right now. I need someone to make me not care.

That's kind of the goal for this year: find my fake Matt replacement. If only it were that easy, because a) he really is irreplaceable and b) I think I forgot how to make guy friends. If anyone can tell me how to make guy friends, do share. I need a refresher course. How did I ever do it before?

And now I must be off to bed for I do like to be relatively awake before I run 2+ miles with my super incredible running roommate. Lorraine is a beast. Boys should date her.